Podcast-Related Syndromes
Is podcasting affecting your health? Are you driving your listeners crazy? If you or someone you love is exhibiting symptoms of any of these conditions, contact us right away!
Podcastus Overproductus
This condition most often afflicts those who have just purchased a DVD full of sound effects and can’t wait to use them all at once, whether they serve any useful purpose or not. The zings, bangs, crashes, trumpet fanfares, and rounds of applause every few seconds can obliterate the intelligibility—and certainly the listenability—of the podcast.
Podcastus Overproductus in its most severe form causes show hosts to compound the damage done by the sound clips with a fake DJ voice and a hokey script, resulting in a nightmare cross between a morning zoo radio show and a children’s television program.
One painful example of this syndrome can be found at BASF’s Chemical Reporter podcast. The idea is brilliant: explain the chemistry at work in daily life by answering questions like “Why does salt melt ice?” After only a few episodes, the listener becomes possessed by the desire to bash the podcast host over the head with a blunt object.
Advertissimus Maximus
Podcasts produced by traditional media companies seem particularly vulnerable to this condition. Far from struggling to attract advertisers as many independent podcasters do, those who suffer from Advertissimus Maximus have ads to spare, so many that they insert one every few minutes.
Alas, this compulsion to advertise drives away the very listeners the show’s sponsors are paying to reach. When each episode is less than ten minutes long, inserting pre-roll, mid-roll, and post-roll spots causes hapless listeners to hit the “unsubscribe” button as quickly as possible.
Another form of this pernicious condition includes repeating the same advertisement several times during one episode. Recent studies suggest that the phenomenon is even more maddening in video than in audio, but anyone who has ever listened to Voice America might contest that claim.
Podcastus Desiccatus
For some reason, the presence of a microphone transforms normally interesting people into dull, dry lecturers who drone on endlessly with irrelevant, abstruse information rather than saying anything the listeners want to hear. The result is a podcast that no one can listen to for more than a few minutes without falling asleep.
If you are an interviewer and you suspect that your guest suffers from Podcastus Desiccatus, there are steps you can take to prevent this disaster. One option is to lubricate the guest with a generous supply of single malt whiskey or Belgian chocolate, thus rendering him or her relaxed and expansive. Another is to bring in a third person to help you create a conversation about the subject, rather than a lecture. (The best person to bring in might be someone who disagrees with your guest.)
You can also do some research and prepare questions that focus the interview on the most interesting material, or that provoke an unrehearsed response. But if you’re interviewing them in person, start with method one.
Thanks to Michele Holtz for suggesting this syndrome at a geek dinner this summer.
Podcastus Interruptus
There are occasions when a podcaster starts producing an episode, but something prevents the show from being posted. This can cause both the podcaster and his or her listeners serious emotional trauma.
There are many possible causes for Podcastus Interruptus. For instance, the proverbial Person from Porlock could knock at the door and destroy the idea for the episode—or just the mood of the podcaster. Recording software could crash in the middle of an interview, or the podcaster could forget to press the ‘record’ button.
In other instances of Podcastus Interruptus, the podcaster succeeds in making a recording, or even several recordings, but something delays the editing and/or posting of the episode. The culprit could be anything from illness to a sudden onset of billable work—or the need to complete one’s doctoral degree.
New podcasters may find themselves intimidated by the need to learn to use editing software, create a podcast feed, or register with iTunes. Those whose entire future as podcasters is put at risk by such difficulties should consult the Asylum immediately in order to avoid podcast stillbirth.
Recursionitis
While recursions were once the province of mathematicians, computer programmers, and halls of mirrors, Recursionitis afflicts marketing podcasters who have to market their podcasts in order to podcast about marketing. In fact, a form of this syndrome can affect anyone who wants to podcast for marketing purposes.
Other forms of Recursionitis involve producing podcasts about podcasting, and using podcasts to evangelize podcasting.
Even thinking for too long about Recursionitis can cause dizziness.
Podcast Anoxia
This dangerous condition results from listening to podcasts whose creator has applied the ‘Truncate Silence’ effect too liberally or used other tools to speed up the tempo and remove pauses from the recording. When listeners can’t hear you pause for breath, they stop breathing, too. Symptoms include faintness, gasping, and turning blue in the face while fumbling for the ‘pause’ button. To prevent fatalities among your listeners, please use silence-removing and tempo-increasing tools with care!
A milder version of this condition, called podcast hyperventilation, can result from listening to podcasters who speak very rapidly, like C.C. Chapman. It’s possible to counteract podcast hyperventilation by slowing down playback.
Meetup Envy
Meetup envy is a condition that afflicts podcast listeners who hear about geek dinners and other social events for podcasters but are unable to attend them. The more their favourite podcasters travel to other cities and hook up with fans for dinner, drinks, or coffee, the worse their sense of frustration and isolation becomes.
Left untreated, sufferers of Meetup Envy may be driven to such desperate acts as hocking the family silver to purchase an airline ticket or even–in extreme cases–devoting hours to creating virtual meetups. While they may start out as humorous mashups, these substitutes for real contact can escalate into violent fantasies.
For a suitable fee, the Podcast Asylum will be happy to unite sufferers of Meetup Envy with their favourite podcasters amid the vineyards of the glorious Adelaide Hills–under careful supervision from our staff, of course.
Podcast Dissonance
This phenomenon occurs when a podcast appears to be at odds with itself. If, for example, the host of a podcast appears to have been recorded in a separate session from the guests, the hosts never identify themselves—even with a pseudonym—or the tone of background music and bumpers conflicts with the tone of the show’s content. A show that claims to encourage listener comments but provides no show blog, e-mail address, or comment line also suffers from Podcast Dissonance, though in this case there is a dual diagnosis of Podcastus Inhospitus.
The effect on the listener of these internal inconsistencies ranges from distraction (trying to figure out why things don’t match up) to distrust (wondering whether the guests are actually answering the same questions the host is asking).
Preliminary findings suggest that this syndrome is most common in corporate podcasts, possibly because of the number of different departments that have to sign off on each episode.
Podcastus Inhospitus
Podcasters suffering from this syndrome do everything in their power to prevent people from finding, hearing, and subscribing to their podcasts. Common symptoms of Podcastus Inhospitus include:
- Not posting any show notes, thus making the podcast invisible to search engines.
- Not providing any information about how to subscribe within the podcast itself.
- Using a proprietary file format which requires a particular media player.
- Not offering listeners a way to comment on or contribute to the show.
- Not providing a direct link to the RSS feed for those who don’t use iTunes.
- Not providing a “click-to-play option for people who prefer to listen at their computers.
If your podcast is keeping people out instead of inviting them in, contact the Asylum before it’s too late.
Social Media Stupor Syndrome
Adjunct professor Heidi Miller (left) discovered Social Media Stupor Syndrome in June of 2007. She describes the warning signs as follows:
- Shaking, fear and trembling before clicking to Google Reader, My Yahoo! or NewsGator
- A full iPod, but constant occasions to “forget” headphones to “catch up” on podcast listening
- Adding people you don’t know to your Twitter, LinkedIn, Facebook or MySpace accounts
- More than four email addresses, just to keep up with the comments from your blogs and podcasts
Although Social Media Stupor Syndrome can be treated successfully, we advise precautionary measures to prevent contracting it. Restrict your podcast listening to the shows you really love. Make sure to spend time each day away from your computer and other gadgets. Examine every social network you belong to and ask yourself whether the benefit you get repays the time you have to spend.
Of course, if you are already deep in the throes of this disease, we at the Asylum will be glad to help you. A week spent in the glorious Adelaide hills enjoying the ministrations of dusky handmaidens and muscular masseurs, far from anything with a screen, will leave you refreshed and restore your perspective.
Comment Deficiency Syndrome
Drill Sergeant Tee Morris has just informed us that his podcast, “The Survival Guide to Writing Fantasy,” is suffering from Comment Deficiency Syndrome.
Specifically, the Sarge has noticed an unexpected shortage of audio comments just as he was planning to prepare a Mail Call episode. Never in 29 regular episodes and 10 special editions have the Survivalists failed to produce a superabundance of comments. In fact, the number and frequency of the comments were what inspired Tee to start producing Mail Call episodes.
Clearly, it was time for the Asylum to step in and investigate the cause of this problem.
The most obvious cause of Comment Deficiency Syndrome is not providing listeners enough ways to contribute comments. Nevertheless, CDS can strike even podcasters who announce their call-in number, blog address, and e-mail during every show.
The best way to prevent Comment Deficiency Syndrome is to play, read, and respond to listener comments right away. Because podcast listeners are just as narcissistic as podcasters, they will tolerate a longer show length if it gives them the opportunity to hear themselves.
Of course, in order to play comments right away, the podcaster has to produce regular and frequent shows.
If you find yourself suffering from Comment Deficiency Syndrome, try listening to For Immediate Release for lessons in producing a proper comment-driven show. Alternatively, you could emulate the model of Inside PR, where audio comments go directly into the podcast feed so everyone can hear them immediately, or create shows from collected audio comments, as Carmen Van Kerckhove has done with Addicted to Race.
Podcastus Compulsivus
The syndrome Podcastus Compulsivus is characterized by the inability to refrain from podcasting for more than a few weeks at a time. (Example: ‘Professor’ Lee Hopkins attempted to take a sabbatical from his weekly reports to ‘For Immediate Release’ and the ‘Better Desirable Roasted Communications Cafe,’ but was only able to stay away for a month rather than the more usual full university term.)
Extreme, advanced cases of this disease manifest in starting more and more podcasts, so that a single individual may be producing as many as five or six different shows. The compulsion to podcast can override even basic survival instinct such as the need to sleep or to eat, though it rarely seems to interfere with the consumption of alcoholic beverages.
Podcrastination
Sufferers of Podcrastination engage in one of two behaviors. In the first instance, they seize on any excuse whatsoever to avoid recording the next episode of their podcast. Everything—Second Life, e-mail, the day job, flossing the cat—is more interesting to these patients than podcasting. Extreme cases must be confined to the podcasting studio and supervised closely by a member of the Asylum staff.
The second form of Podcrastination is the production of podcasts to the exclusion of all other activity. These podcrastinators can be identified by such claims as ‘I can’t come to the office today because I have to record my podcast,’ and should only be allowed access to microphones and recording devices when they have no work or family commitments. As the consequences of this form of Podcrastination can be especially severe, it is important to catch it early. If necessary, Sven and the Dusky Handmaidens can provide a reminder of the pleasures of life beyond podcasting.
Podcast Anxiety
Podcast Anxiety can affect 7 in 10 men, but help is available. See your family doctor or ask your wife for help.
As already researched by my highly esteemed colleague Professor Leverington , and replicated by my erstwhile colleague Dr Hobson , this condition is caused by having too many podcasts backed up in one’s media player and a lack of time to listen to them. Treatment can include enforced break at the asylum, and depending on one’s gender and preferences, repeated sessions of massage therapy by either our dusky handmaidens Agnes, Denish, Delores and Monique, or our toned and burly Swedish masseuse named Sven.
Egocastitis
This pernicious condition occurs causes podcasters to produce one show after the other in which they talk only about themselves, without providing any content or information of interest to listeners. Most sufferers of Egocastitis remain oblivious to their dwindling listenership, and continue to produce their self-aggrandizing shows long after everyone has unsubscribed.
Podcastus Incognitus
There are podcasters out there so cruel and heartless that they infect their own podcasts with this condition, condemning them to anonymity and oblivion by failing to add ID3 tags to their MP3 files. Any podcast without Artist, Title, and Album fields is guaranteed to languish un-listened-to at the bottom of the iPod. Tragically, the disease is easily prevented, as audio-editing software like Audacity enables easy creation of these and other useful identifiers, and the free Windows utility AudioShell lets you edit ID3 tags from within Windows Explorer. If you discover a podcast file suffering from this condition, notify the podcaster immediately. Together we can end the silence!
Special Editionitis
This condition sets in when podcasters find themselves recording so much material that they can’t fit it into their regular shows. Seduced by the opportunity to publish something outside their usual scope, they record more special editions, until the regular podcast gets entirely squeezed out of existence, as with Michael A. Stackpole’s The Secrets podcast for writers. (Excuse me: for serious writers.) Perhaps science fiction podcasters are particularly vulnerable to this illness, as Tee Morris of The Survival Guide to Writing Fantasy also appears to be in the throes of this obsession.
Podcastus Curiossimus
It has come to our attention that there are some people who are so obsessed with podcasting that they ask everyone they met, no matter what the circumstances, whether they listen to podcasts. This compulsive poll-taking extends itself even to interrogations of detainees on their way back to the police station from the crime scene. A special UN think tank is now considering whether podcastus curiossimus violates the Geneva Convention. The verdict could mean big trouble for Tim Bourquin.
Perpetual Headset Mangling Syndrome
Sufferers of PHMS become so oblivious to their surroundings, and so determined to listen to podcasts under all conditions, that the welfare of defenseless headsets is no longer a concern to them, and they callously permit their cables to catch in and snag on every passing protuberance, tearing the delicate audio connections to shreds. In some cases, this disease can be treated with expensive Bluetooth wireless headphones; in others, by placing the patient in a padded cell where the headset leads will be safe from marauding handles and knobs.
Podcast Stereosis
Also known as ‘tennis-ball brain,’ this condition manifests in dizziness, disorientation, and a rapid flicking back and forth of the victim’s eyes. The most common cause of Podcast Stereosis is listening to podcast interviews where the host’s voice comes into one ear and the guest’s voice into the other.
The only treatment (short of unsubscribing from the offending podcasts) is to explain to the podcaster how to mix tracks before exporting and uploading the MP3 file.
Obsessive Podcast Stat Disorder
This disease sends podcasters back to FeedBurner and Podcast Alley every five minutes to see how many people have downloaded, streamed, subscribed to, or voted for their podcasts. Named by Heidi Miller of the Diary of a Shameless Self-Promoter podcast after she contracted it upon finding herself mentioned in The Podcasting Pocket Guide.
Podcaster’s Insomnia
As personally discovered by our Canadian research fellow Dr. Papacosta , the victim suffers from the inability to fall asleep because they are re-recording their own podcast (or a client’s podcast) in their mind. Very often they also awaken at 3:00 a.m. with ideas for new podcasts. Currently there is no treatment for this debilitating disease.
Podcast Humouritis
A form of early senility, this disease causes victims to laugh out loud at inappropriate moments or locations, for example when on a crowded bus or in the reading room at the library.
Hyper Attention Podcast Disorder
Sufferers of this mental health challenge can be identified by their lack of focus to tasks, caused by listening to podcasts instead of concentrating on, for example, driving, writing a report, or washing up. Predominantly associated with men rather than women, it appears that sufferers find difficulty in completing more than one task at once when listening to podcasts.
Compulsive Podcast Bookmark Disorder
As identified by our consulting Professor of Technical Podcasting, Professor Derek Leverington , CPBD results when a podcast listener compulsively creates far-too-frequent bookmarks on their mp3 player whilst listening to a podcast. This condition results from a podcast listener experiencing a profound sense of anxiety, even abject terror, over the possibility that they may lose their place in their podcast due to an inadvertent pressing of a button on their mp3 player. A positive diagnosis CPBD is arrived upon by observing a patient bookmark a podcast more frequently than once every 5 minutes.
Podcast Withdrawal Syndrome
Sufferers are paralysed by the psychological terror associated with the loss of function of their MP3 players. Clinical staff can rapidly treat the mild version by being armed with rechargeable AAA batteries.
Post Traumatic Podcast Disorder
Victims suffer intense and prolonged shock when they realise that podcasters are allowed to swear in front of and to their audience and can get away with it; this is a condition most often associated with parents realising that their children subscribe to the Dawn & Drew Show.
Podcastus Ignoramus
A horribly debilitating disease that ravages the body and mind of the victim. Sufferers lose cognitive coherency and start to believe that podcasts are either not relevant to their lives, or else pretend they don’t even know what they are.
Podcast Unavailability
Encountered when podcast junkies find their regular podcasts have downloaded incorrectly into their podcatcher. An example would be when episode #69 of the popular soap opera for business communicators, the Hobson & Holtz Report , failed to download correctly. MedNews reported that sales of valium and other psychotherapeutic drugs tripled as a result.
Podcast Solipsism (also known as ‘Earbud Isolation’)
Sufferers of this ravaging disease can often be found with earbuds in place during shopping trips, errand running and even Parent Teacher exchanges. This condition affects the higher cognitive processes, so that, for example, listeners to podcasts may actually believe that the people they listen to on podcasts, such as Dawn and Drew, Adam Curry and Hobson and Holtz are real people, not the superb actors reading the carefully crafted scripts that they really are.
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Professors Hopkins and Goetsch celebrate as yet another case of Podcastus Ignoramus is healed.
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If you discover a new podcast-related syndrome, contact us immediately for help!